Tears of a Forbidden Child
by daisyink
Summary: When a beloved friend and teammate inexplicably dies, everyone is left in mourning; that is, except for Hiei. His apparent indifference creates a rift in their friendship; will they never see each other again? Please RR.


Numb

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho.  
Author's Note: This is a result of me trying to get out of writer's block. It started out pretty well, but then...it got kinda weird (shrug) I'm trying to write something with chapters for once, so hopefully it'll get better as it goes on. Now, on with the fic! BTW, the '>' at the end of the lyrics is to sort of separate the words of the song from the actual story.

* * *

I can still remember that look on his face; that look of pure relief, of bliss. Finally, he can be free of his obligations. Of his pain. With such a long life, he's had to live with the regret of his actions for longer than anyone I know. He's had to shoulder the guilt of hurting people, breaking people's hearts, and his mistakes. But through the end, he's been sweet, polite, and reassuring. As if we were the ones who needed help. As if we were the ones in danger.

....As if he weren't dying.

The disease hit quickly; it ate away his energy, and after only a few weeks he was bedridden. The only reason he wasn't in the hospital was because he insisted on staying in his home; I knew, somehow, that it was because he wouldn't allow himself to die in a hospital. He knew, probably better than all of us, that he would die. That he wouldn't survive the week. So he would leave this life surrounded by his friends-- he wouldn't let go of the humanity he'd found in the 17 years he'd lived here.

And in a flash, he was gone, his voice still echoing in the wind, whispering in my ear.

_Good-bye_.

Everyone had looked at me expectantly, waiting.

For what?! I wanted to scream.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless  
lost under the surface  
I don't know what you're expecting of me  
put under the pressure of walking in your shoes>

What was I supposed to do? Faint? Scream? Hit someone?

All I could feel was a numbness inside of me, and a strange acceptance-- a revelation that although Kurama was gone, my life would eventually force me to move on.

So I decided to do nothing. I stared at them, my eyes dull and full of grief. No one said anything. Keiko was crying softly into Yusuke's shoulder, and Kuwabara was glaring at me for what he saw as indifference on my part.

"What the heck, shrimp?! Kurama was your best friend! Are you just going to stand there, staring?"

Caught in the undertow/  
just caught in the undertow  
every step that I take  
is another mistake to you>

I looked at him. Why couldn't they understand? I couldn't do anything. I was too stunned, too caught up in the past events that I could think of nothing to do.

"You think I don't grieve for Kurama's death? You fool, I was his best friend. But I have to do this alone."

In a moment, I was gone.

I have to move on, I told myself firmly. I have to. Kurama would want it to be this way.

I've  
become so numb  
I can feel you there  
become so tired  
so much more aware  
I'm becoming this  
all I want to do  
is be more like me  
and be less like you>

I went to Mukuro; I became a general in her army. I moved on.

On the occasional visits I took to the Makai, I could see that everyone else had moved on, too. I felt angry at them; they'd said I hadn't cared because I'd decided to try and forget? That I'd tried to get back to my life, as they had done later? In my remorse, I visited none of them and instead went to our old haunts, perhaps to try and feel the exhiliraton of being among friends again.

Because no matter what I thought, I could never be as happy as I had been. I could never feel the thrill of having friends by my side, of actually living. Leading a life without people shunning me, a life without the incredible loneliness I'd experienced ever since I was born.

Can't you see that you're smothering me  
holding too tightly  
afraid to lose control  
'cause everything that you thought I would be  
has fallen apart right in front of you>

But no matter what they said to me, no matter how many times they tried to convince me I was wrong, I was sure of my decision.

Caught in the undertow/  
just caught in the undertow  
every step that I take is  
another mistake to you  
caught in the undertow/  
just caught in the undertow  
and every second I waste  
is more than I can take>

_It's better this way._

In the moment it took for me to reach the Makai, the demon they'd known as 'Hiei' was gone, disappearing from their lives forever.

Caught in the undertow/  
just caught in the undertow  
every step that I take is  
another mistake to you  
caught in the undertow/  
just caught in the undertow  
and every second I waste  
is more than I can take

I've  
become so numb  
I can feel you there  
become so tired  
so much more aware  
I'm becoming this  
all I want to do  
is be more like me  
and be less like you

and I know  
I may end up failing too  
but I know  
you were just like me  
with someone disappointed in you

I've  
become so numb  
I can feel you there  
become so tired  
so much more aware  
I'm becoming this  
all I want to do  
is be more like me  
and be less like you

I've  
become so numb  
I can feel you there  
tired of being what you want me to be

I've  
become so numb  
I can feel you there  
tired of being what you want me to be>

-To be continued-

Not exactly a literary masterpiece, but hey, I just got over major writer's block. Please tell me what you think, this fic was kind of hard to write because I had to think carefully about what Hiei would feel (well, he is the 'quiet' one). Oh, and although it's a songfic, it's not meant to be a oneshot. There are going to be later chapters, so please keep reading!

-Akatriel/Eblis


End file.
